Monday, July 28, 2008

If Only McDonald's Were Switzerland

Pop quiz, hotshot. Which one of these two scenes grosses you out more: a) Two women or two men cohabitating and sporting bands around their left ring fingers, basically enjoying normal, boring married lives; or b) A frumpy orca-fat behemoth lady with a FUPA the size of Sweden pouring over the vast waistline of her Mom Jeans chomping on 75 grams of dripping grease fat during one of her two early lunches?

Since it's wildly obvious to everyone except brain-dead liberals that homosexters are disgusting, amoral animals, I'd go with the former. I'll tell y'all right now, there are only two things more disturbing than letting members of the same sex enter into this holy bond of matrimony that grows stronger and more sanctified with each passing year. One is the fact that I actually used the phrase "Clubhouse Lester" to describe Manny Ramirez's narcissistic team-killing antics this past weekend; the second, more germane to the point, is when companies refuse to "stay neutral in the culture war over homosexuality," or better yet, when they refuse to take the side of hardworking Americans like me who have never met a homosexual but see plenty of then on B-roll during the Hannity program.

And that's why I wholeheartedly endorse the American Family Association's decision to coordinate a nationwide boycott of the McDonald's corporation. The AFA's heroic boycott is about values, our values, and it's motivated by the fact that McDonald's has sullied its good family name by throwing "the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage."

Here I am, peacefully trying to kill myself slowly and drive up your insurance premiums with double cheeseburger value meals and thrice-daily McFlurries, but I can't shake the image of two people of the same sex that I'll never actually meet actually getting each other! That kills me more than clogged arteries ever will. So it's with a heavy (failing) heart that I must swear off the golden arches forever in order to ensure my hard-earned money doesn't go to legalizing any lewd behavior by the queers. No skin off my back: I'll just give more money to the church instead.

I urge you all to immediately log onto Boycott McDonald's and make your voice heard. There you can join the many on the AFA's 2.8 million-person e-mail blast by leaving comments with which we all certainly agree, comments like: "The LORD is the author of moral standards. He lovingly calls all sinners to repentance, including sodomites. McDonald's is choosing to promote perverse behavior in blindness or defiance. This is between McDonald's and God. I'm disapointed with McDonald's in the disreguard they have shown for the convictions of the majority its customers. I will join the boycott."

Spot on, man, well said. And I can just picture that epic tete-a-tete between Ronald McDonald and Our Father Who Art in Heaven. God will chastise Ronnie for wearing all that transgender-style makeup; Ronald in turn cries and stomps out of the room and into the loving arms of his daddy, Grimace. Maybe there's even some light assplay between the two, though I'm not sure where Grimace's butthole is and what that would entail. Either way, it'll be a hoot.

Let's take a look at some of the other comments that nail my point of view:

--"We love your fries, but we will not compromise truth. You have taken money that our family, and millions of others, have contributed to the success of the McDonald's Corp. and chosen to use it for an agenda that defies the foundation of our nation, the family, as created by a man and woman..."

--"It was bad enough having to keep my Spanish to English dictionary handy every time I pulled up to your drive-thru window (to the tune of about $1,000 per year). But this is the final straw (and I guess the final Big Mac) for me. Your blatant disregard for the strongly held moral values most Americans hold dear has cost you my business. Yes, Wendy's, I will have a Frosty with that."

--"It is sad that McDonald's is not FOR the nuclear family. Please put Ronald Mc Donald in the closet."

--"As long as McDonald's keeps supporting same sex marriage my family will NO longer be eating there. Please Do consider others Faith and our children. It is Very wrong to be supporting gays, it even says so in the Bible. I feel that you are so wrong about supporting gays, mabey you should pick up your Bible and READ it!!!"

--"I use to love McDonald's food but I cannot stomach your food now because of your decision to support the gay agender in this country. I will be diligent in getting this message out to everyone I know To boycot McDonald's PS I have found Hardees has much better food."

--"As long as McDonalds continues to promote homosexuality I will continue to support Wendy's. This is not something that a family friendly restraunt should ever think of doing." [ed. note: Wendy may or may not be a giant dyke. Stay tuned.]

--"This makes me sick! McDonals's has chosen to accommodate a small group of people who live by what is right in THEIR eyes, and they expect all of society to accept their definition of morality and tolerance. "Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools.""

--"I and my family will be buyers at burger king.. You need to change your gay position.."

Agreed! Although "change your gay position" sounds pretty gay to me.

So thanks, McDonald's -- now every time my kids yell "McDonalllllld's" but we don't pull in to the lot, I have to tell them that their favorite restaurant supports equal rights over traditional values and that they can't gorge themselves on Big Macs because two guys in Peoria are hoping to one day join the ranks of the rest of this Christian nation's unhappily married populace. Dicks.


Anonymous said...

I am absolutely sure, beyond any doubt, that you would absolutely love to read "God to Same-Sexers: Hurry Up" which caught my attention not long ago while I was Googling away. Simon

starbux said...

God, I had no idea MickeyD's was such a fag joint. They've been brainwashing us all.

Big Mac, McDLT, an anal-pounder with some cheese, fellatio o' fish, an assburger, a cockburger, a Happy Queer...

They will obviously burn in hell.

Matty Mac said...

Wow. This blog has only been up a short time and Stephen Colbert is already a guest writer. Kudos bar to you. Or maybe a large dildo covered in "special sauce". Your choice.

Chaim Perlgutt said...

Yeah, don'tcha know Colbert has cornered the market on sardonic irreverence! Oh, and my bubby made a kishka.

PaulNoonan said...

Maybe if they focused a bit less on ass sex we would have the resources to get the hamburglar off of the streets.

Anonymous said...

mainstream religion is a lester on society. there i said it.

Boxcar Fritz said...

You had me till that last paragraph, Ace. While I like the gays as much as the next gay liking straight guy, and I haven't eaten at McDonalds since they were giving away $1 Big Macs on gamedays during the 2006 playoffs, well....You fucking leave Peoria out of this, asshole!

Where would that New York City of yours be if Peoria's Frankie Williams didn't provide your citizens with two years of basketball brilliance in the early 21st century? Think about that, smart guy.

Dave Lozo said...

My favorite comment was the one with randomly capitalized words. I'm going to start doing that.

Hey, you Should go to comedy central and Look at the clip from The beginning of last Night's Daily Show. They had a Bunch of clips from the Hearings on gays in the Military. Makes you Proud to be an American.

Dave Lozo said...

That comment also has a reference to Arrested Development's Mabey. What an outstanding job. Keep tearing shit up once every two weeks.

hoobs said...

What is this McDonald's everyone is talking about?

Cinnamon Girl said...

I'm positively brimming with admiration of your ability to bring down a big corporation like McDonald's with a few well chosen words. (I thought ending with the word "dicks" was especially appropriate.)

gatorphish said...

Burger King, Hardees.. what about Arby's? Beef layered upon beef with a delicious creamy white sauce.

sly oyster said...

How dare you call Manny a "Clubhouse Lester!" The cancer gives him his power. Did you see that no-no?

David.SMJeong said...

Before judging others, look yourselg. The bible said that the one who couldn't face the Lord for his sin will enter the heaven.

Charlie said...

It's a great Festival, and you are fully deserved of being there with you're ambitious and talented. And..anyhow, I hope we'll have more CONS in Orlando...It's fun!