Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dan Struggla: Killing Daddy's Dream

On a night that many baseball fans will remember as the best All-Star Game of their lifetimes, Florida Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla will rank this one somewhere on par with or below the curiously special evening that his mother walked on him in the midst of a particularly kinky auto-erotic asphyxiation session at age 14.

Uggla may rank second among all major-league second basemen with 23 homeruns and 59 runs batted in, but last night he looked like the anti-Danny Almonte: a boy among men. This was Uggla's second trip to the ASG, and I doubt this one will make his short list of personal favorites -- this performance that rates worse than his 2006 appearance, when he didn't even play.

Last night Uggla hit into an inning-ending double play in the 10th, made two straight errors in the bottom half of the inning and another in the 13th, and he also struck out three times and left a total of six men on base. Shit, I know a couple of Thai ladyboys who could have pulled that off. No, wait, I don't know any Thai ladyboys.

Dannyboy told the media this week that he was living his father's dream of playing in Yankee Stadium -- his father must have been living a nightmare last night. No word on whether Uggla's pops formally disowned his son last night, but there's a good chance that if Uggla had a gay brother that he'd be the family's favorite son today for once in his life. You have to feel for the gent, especially considering he's a stellar athlete and one of the game's best players. But I did some research and dug up some interesting facts about last night's goat:

Dan Uggla fucked Terri Schiavo while she was laid up in the hospital. Dan Uggla masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing. Dan Uggla licks Jon McCain's faux goiter for good luck before every game. Dan Uggla drove the lead car of paparazzi that chased Princess Diana down the highway in France. Dan Uggla produced I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.

Dan Uggla injected Bobby Murcer with brain cancer as part of a vast right-wing conspiracy. Dan Uggla's has a lower back tattoo that says Guantanamo Bay 4 Lyfe. Dan Uggla's idol is Big Ern McCracken. Dan Uggla leads the junta in Burma. Dan Uggla broke up Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. Dan Uggla also broke up The Phish. Dan Uggla thinks Barack Obama attended a madrassa. Dan Uggla pooped on Tawana Brawley's chest. And Dan Uggla hasn't yet chosen sides in Darfur.

Chin up, Danny. We can only hope your father has Alzheimer's...

21 comments:

Bobby McFerrin said...

Dan Uggla raped my grandmother

Matty Mac said...

Dan Uggla's son was conceived via Immaculate Conception out of embarrassment for the future performance of his father at the all star game. True story.

turd ferguson said...

As an AL fan I salute Dan Uggla's stellar play last night. However, I don't appreciate him breaking up the Phish.

simon cowell said...

Dan Uggla secretly dates Clay Aiken.

Boxcar Fritz said...

The jerk store called, Uggla. They're all out of you.

Chico said...

"Don't throw it to Stonehands!"

PaulNoonan said...

Dan Uggla killed Inigo Montoya's father.

Ace Cowboy said...

Breaking news: Dan Uggla framed Roger Rabbit.

Matty Mac said...

Dan Uggla still insists that he should close the game for the AL team, not Mariano. He stated this after threatening Papelbon's pregnant wife and slipping a gram of coke into Josh Hamilton's carry-on bag.

Anonymous said...

Dan Uggla hates rainbows.

mr underhill said...

Dan Uggla is Tim Russert's coronary embolism.

Boski93 said...

Killed and then ate the Lindberg baby.

Jerry Man said...

Dan Uggla killed Heath Ledger, then stole his clothes.

starbux said...

Dan Uggla forged the One Ring in the unholy fires of Mount Doom.

Matty Mac said...

Dan Uggla sabotaged Cory Lidle's plane...

Mr. Svenska said...

Dan Uggla is Mr. Wonka, minus a difinitive neck

Marvin said...

Dan Uggla is f-ing Paris Hilton in that video.

Dave said...

Can I just say, that game was way too long. I mean, I am not a huge baseball fan in the first place, but I like to watch when the game is on the line. That extra long All Star game deprived me of the pleasure of tuning in for the last couple of minutes, getting really excited, then turning to something more interesting. Don't get me wrong, I love baseball, it's America's game, but daddy's got work in the morning. Maybe I'm just jealous because I don't think I ever actually recorded a hit in my little league and I rode the bench in high school. I did close a game once and I danced off the mound on my tippy toes. Do I sound gay right now? Cause I'm not. Really.

Dave Lozo said...

Dan Uggla destroyed this blog.

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pay per head service said...

hahaha all these Dan Uggla awful jokes make me laugh so much and I actually feel bad about him sometimes haha