Wednesday, July 9, 2008

And Now For Some Political Geekery

Big news from the nation's capital today: Hillary Clintonbot's unwaveringly moronic former chief strategist Mark Penn has hired former George W. Bush adviser Karen Hughes as a vice chairman at his PR firm, Burson-Marsteller. The pair will "combine forces to offer a one-stop crisis-communication and public-affairs shop” to corporate clients.

The mainstream media is mostly focusing on the bipartisan spirit of this coupling. Several reputable news outlets even ran verbiage from the press release, calling this a “Bipartisan Brain Trust.” Whoa. Hold the phone. Really, guy, pick up your phone and just hold it for effect. A brain trust? I simply see an Axis of Idiocy that may finally cripple the excess-driven wants of corporate America once and for all. Well, maybe I’m being too optimistic.

But I'm a little confused: Is this the same Mark Penn as the one who put Clinton’s dreadful campaign in a hole so large she couldn’t possibly dig out from it (or, more accurately in this case, in a box so large she couldn't munch her way out)? The same one who lobbied for a free-trade deal with Colombia while his candidate stumped loudly and often against it? The same one who blamed her loss on insufficient funds rather than his own disgustingly shortsighted strategies and decisions? And is this the same Karen Hughes who predictably failed to market President Bush’s awesome policies to the Muslim and Arab worlds? Yes, let’s hire these nincompoops!

I gotta say, the thought of Mark Penn and Karen Hughes dispensing crisis communication advice is almost as bewildering as if former FEMA director Michael Brown consulted for a disaster recovery company. Oh wait, he does! For the past two years, Brownie has worked for a private firm called Cotton Companies, where he does just what he failed to do when those dark people needed him most. But why work for someone else? I’d suggest he open his own shop called “Brownie’s Heck of a Job Disaster Recovery Consulting Company.” That shit would look great as a neon sign.

Where else but Washington DC can failed policy advisors thrive as trusted consultants? These clowns are all luckier than weathermen, Wall Street analysts and economic forecasters. This whole Penn/Hughes deal brings to mind all kinds of possibilities. What will we see next? I can just picture it now:
  • Elizabeth Taylor’s Marriage Counselor Services
  • David Duke’s Interracial Marriage Counselor Services
  • The Michael Vick Pet Care and Rehabilitation Center
  • J. Hazelwood’s Exxon Valdez Tanker Driving School
  • Angelo Mozilo’s Countrywide Subprime Mortgage Lender
  • Ryan Howard Always-Make-Contact Batting School
  • The OJ Simpson Real Killer Detective Agency
  • Isiah Thomas Leadership Training Program
  • Bea Arthur's Ye Olde Feminism Finishing School
  • The Mark Penn/Karen Hughes Crisis-Communication & Public-Affairs Shoppe (oh, right...)
Ahh, the possibilities are endless. Whatcha got, Slackers?


Jimbo said...

I'm going with Sen. Larry Craig's School of Yoga for kids that can stretch good.

"Alright, now I wanna see some wide stances!"

starbux said...

Sean Wright-Phillips' New York Times bestseller Brilliant Crosses

mr underhill said...

Jeff Gillooly's Peaceful Dispute Resolution Seminars.

George Carlin's Academy for... wait - definitely too soon.

Peter Kirk said...

Thr Don Imus Harlem Youth Center Basketball Team

Dave Lozo said...

Paris Hilton's Center for Clean and Penis-Free Vaginas

Jason Mulgrew said...

Jake Zebra's Guide to the Female Orgasm

Jason Mulgrew said...


- My Friend Jill's Center for Not Dating All the Giant Black Guys on the BC Football Team

Trust me - that center would not make a lot of sense.

Eric Plunk said...

Dave Lozo's School of Subtlety

Mr. Svenska said...

The Michael Jackson day care center

The Álvaro Uribe Drug rehabilitation center

The Alexander Lukashenko mustache trimming school

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jakezebra said...

The UK Center for Interracial Matching.

JTL said...

Donald Rumsfeld's Quik-N-Easy Regime Change Service

Amelia Earhart's Howland Island Landing School

The J. Edgar Hoover Institute for Fashion Design

(I could go on all night.)

PaulNoonan said...

The Brett Favre School of Decisive Management.

ccr said...

The Dan Uggla Endowment for Soft Hands and Clutch Hits.

David said...

Will Smith's Authentic African Jewlry

Dave said...

Seinfeld Cosmetic Dentistry

Tommy Lee's Hep C Prevention Kit

Chow Young Fat Round Eye Contact Lenses

Yasser Arafat Glatt Kosher Beef Kabobs

Guitar Hero-Best of Melissa Ethridge

Scott H said...

The George W. Bush Academy for Eloquent Public Speaking

The Dick Cheney School of Interpersonal Warmth

The Bill Clinton Abstinence Advocacy Group

The Harriet Meyers & Katherine Harris School of Cosmetology

The The Ron Dayne Marijuana & Cheetos Treatment Center

OJ Simpson: Certified Marriage Counselor

Charlie said...

You live a charmed life and I am glad to know you via the blog! I swear I could hear that fountain as I looked on!