Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Apparently I Am Very Similar to the Giant Squid

I read or skim no less than 100 varied news articles and blog posts between the hours of 8 and 10 am. Some are political, some economic. Some are human interest, some in-depth reporting. Some are serious, some offbeat. News aggregators have made it entirely possible to read a story about the next step for uncommitted superdelegates 10 seconds after finishing one about the arrest of an underemployed longshoreman who delivered an unauthorized donkey punch to the back of the head of a three-legged transvestite hooker called Scuba Steve the Love Pumper.

Every once in a while I come across a piece of Dickensian literary genius disguised as wire reporting, and it stones me. This morning, while reading about the capture of a giant squid off the southwest coast of Australia, I found a brilliant sentence that required a bit of town crying. There's a common journalistic practice called "burying the lede," and in this instance, I'm shocked that I had to read 13 paragraphs before seeing this beautiful sentence:

"Giants have very strange sexual behaviour where the male has a metre-long muscular penis that he uses a bit like a nail gun and shoots cords of sperm under the skin of the female's arms and she carries the sperm around with her until she is ready to lay her big jelly mass of a million eggs."

I mean, who wrote that, Vladimir Nabakov? Such pretty prose! The italicized byline concluding the article claims the report was "adapted by an AM report by Alison Caldwell," though it reads to me like it was "adapted from a novel about giant squidcock and sperm transport by Leo Tolstoy."

Alright, enough of that. Let's move on to what used to serve in the old days as the Slack Song of the Day. The good folks at imeem have a cool embeddable player, so I'll be sharing music more often in an easy-to-listen form. This collection of seven tunes is particularly badass, so get down with your bad self and report back as to how that getting down with your bad self went.

And we'll catch ya on the flip flop. Tomorrow is another day.


Mr. Squid said...

"Yo, son, you know that crazy bitch I nailed last week? She's STILL carrying around my sperm! How fucked up is that?"

Cousteau said...

I've been searching a long time for the Jizz-Armed Female Giant Squid.

Matty Mac said...

Squidcock.....great band name.

Also, may have birthed a new term...to "Squidcock" some chick. When you are about to unleash the knuckle children, you pull out and power paint her from armpit to armpit.

Mark it down.

I'll have to test it on the unsuspecting wife.