Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Someone Please Code Red This Fucker...

Someone should cram that sweat-stained bloody sock right down Curt Schilling's gullet and pray to the God of Attention-Seeking Douchefaces that it has the same effect it had on Private Willie Santiago down in Gitmo. It seems to me that death by lactic acidosis may be the only way to shut this blustery blowhard up for good.

The future 300-pound, disabled right-hander has issued yet another one of his classic Unnecessary Punditry barbs. Schilling, apparently with his oversized finger on the pulse of everything New York, claims the entire New York region is cheering Tom Brady's season-ending injury, a claim I have yet to see in person or read in print. Nonetheless, that didn't stop the man whose nose is everywhere but his own sad, sorry business of being a fat fuck with too much time on his hands from sounding off anyway:
"The euphoria in New York is palpable," Schilling said. "The Yankees suck this year and they are bitter and mad and making excuses over that. Now they got Tom going down so New York's excited. It's unfortunate, but when you crawl to the top of the pile you will have people trying to knock you down."
To be fair, the Yankees do suck. That's no secret. To be unfair (or, real), Schilling is a loudmouth know-it-all who, in reality, knows next to nothing. They say it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt, an adage for which the Big Schill has absolutely no use or no regard. Only full-fledged idiots cheer for other people's major injuries, and while many Jets fans perked up when they heard one of the league's best players and Jets' chief rivals was lost for the year, that's not to be confused with palpable euphoria (we'll save that for when someone publicly punches Schilling in his chubby face).

Perhaps more importantly, does Schilling understand how New York sports fans operate? He does know that not everybody roots together, right? For instance, there are these people known as Giants fans, which Schilling should recognize as the people who are euphoric about their team's winning the Super Bowl against Brady's, placing them firmly on the Don't Care Whether Brady Gets Horribly Injured Or Facefucks a Moose list. Then there are these other people called Mets fans, who generally hate the Yankees just as much as Red Sawx supporters, and these New Yorkers aren't "bitter" and "mad" because their team is actually in first place, unlike the second-place Sawx.

Schilling's opinions are often as bloated as his waistline and, unusually for a pitcher with so few walks, way off target. This one's especially stupid, however, because it shows his willingness to admit his warped perspective holds no roots in reality. The only way New York will truly be unified in euphoria is when someone permanently sews up this fat fuck's cakehole and breaks his stumpy blogging fingers.

14 comments:

Raketemensch said...

You just can handle the truth, Ace.

Anonymous said...

I think he was mostly referring to the "play on words" on the back cover of the NY Post:

http://www.patsfans.com/new-england-patriots/messageboard/showthread.php?p=1015406

Rupert Murdoch said...

Yeah, because the back page of the Post warrants a response!

Matty Mac said...

Curt Schilling lives about 7 miles from me. Every time that man speaks, the urge to get in my car, drive down Route 109 and throw rocks through his window gets stronger. Obviously the man has nothing better to do, and opening his gaping maw is his favorite pasttime. Douche.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, just like my post warranted a response....

Chuck said...

while I agree with the fact that Schilling's an arrogant media whore (and I'm a Boston fan), the Post did celebrate Brady's injury. And I'm not accepting the "play on words" thing...we all know what they meant.

-stealy_fan

Boxcar Fritz said...

You're an anti-fat-tite.

Ace Cowboy said...

Shut up, tubby.

Totally Cool Loced Out Awesome Guy23689 said...

Oh my gosh dude you are so right!
I mean I totally remeber when you were playing that major league sport and you totally won the world championship dude! I mean it was like incredible! Not once, but twice dude, totally twice, and you totally reacted completly differently than the guy you are talking about. I mean you were totally cool and down to earth and approachable. It was like you were just one of the guys man-I'm going to stop myself here because I totally had a good time writing that, thank you so much. Take care. Much success.

Grenaldolindo said...

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Sly Oyster said...

I was gonna say something, but how do you top grenaldolindo? Fucking hilarious. But seriously, Schilling's a douche he's worn out his bloody sock love and that's coming from someone who's lifetime high was November 2004.

DannyNoonan said...

Nice redirect on Barns.

Dave Lozo said...

You haven't done dick on this site in two weeks, but every time I come to check, the headline on this post still cracks me up.

Now fucking write something already.

Charlie said...

I’m late to find this post but wow, this should be great. May not get any better…

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