Thursday, July 31, 2008

On Phillies Outfielder Pat Burrell

"He's a total dirtbag. He's the type of guy that walks into an elementary school, rapes the teacher, beats the kids, takes a shit on a desk and burns down the classroom." --Mets Fan Pinky

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

C'mon, Alaska, Yer Better Than That

I've taken to writing more longwinded posts in lieu of the quick hits on Slack LaLane, but we're going old school with this one.

Alaska's Ted "Bridge To Nowhere" Stevens, the longest-serving Republican Senator and former chairman of the Appropriations Committee, was indicted today on "seven counts of failing to disclose hundreds of thousands of dollars in services from an oil services company that helped renovate his home." No gouda.

The AP put out some biographical information about Stevens in the wake of his indictment, but it left out some key pieces: He's up for re-election, he's batshit crazy, he's a bumbling buffoon and he's got no business representing a lemonade stand, let alone a state and a country. I'm sure you all remember him for calling the Internet a "series of tubes" a few years back, but when's the last time you heard the two minutes that preceded that statement? Have you ever? In a million years, you'd never guess that this is a man charged with making public policy for 300 million people. Let's take an aural gander:

My 102-year-old great grandmother who still won't allow black people in her home and calls every Hispanic person "waiter" understands the world wide web better than this clown.

Monday, July 28, 2008

If Only McDonald's Were Switzerland

Pop quiz, hotshot. Which one of these two scenes grosses you out more: a) Two women or two men cohabitating and sporting bands around their left ring fingers, basically enjoying normal, boring married lives; or b) A frumpy orca-fat behemoth lady with a FUPA the size of Sweden pouring over the vast waistline of her Mom Jeans chomping on 75 grams of dripping grease fat during one of her two early lunches?

Since it's wildly obvious to everyone except brain-dead liberals that homosexters are disgusting, amoral animals, I'd go with the former. I'll tell y'all right now, there are only two things more disturbing than letting members of the same sex enter into this holy bond of matrimony that grows stronger and more sanctified with each passing year. One is the fact that I actually used the phrase "Clubhouse Lester" to describe Manny Ramirez's narcissistic team-killing antics this past weekend; the second, more germane to the point, is when companies refuse to "stay neutral in the culture war over homosexuality," or better yet, when they refuse to take the side of hardworking Americans like me who have never met a homosexual but see plenty of then on B-roll during the Hannity program.

And that's why I wholeheartedly endorse the American Family Association's decision to coordinate a nationwide boycott of the McDonald's corporation. The AFA's heroic boycott is about values, our values, and it's motivated by the fact that McDonald's has sullied its good family name by throwing "the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage."

Here I am, peacefully trying to kill myself slowly and drive up your insurance premiums with double cheeseburger value meals and thrice-daily McFlurries, but I can't shake the image of two people of the same sex that I'll never actually meet actually getting each other! That kills me more than clogged arteries ever will. So it's with a heavy (failing) heart that I must swear off the golden arches forever in order to ensure my hard-earned money doesn't go to legalizing any lewd behavior by the queers. No skin off my back: I'll just give more money to the church instead.

I urge you all to immediately log onto Boycott McDonald's and make your voice heard. There you can join the many on the AFA's 2.8 million-person e-mail blast by leaving comments with which we all certainly agree, comments like: "The LORD is the author of moral standards. He lovingly calls all sinners to repentance, including sodomites. McDonald's is choosing to promote perverse behavior in blindness or defiance. This is between McDonald's and God. I'm disapointed with McDonald's in the disreguard they have shown for the convictions of the majority its customers. I will join the boycott."

Spot on, man, well said. And I can just picture that epic tete-a-tete between Ronald McDonald and Our Father Who Art in Heaven. God will chastise Ronnie for wearing all that transgender-style makeup; Ronald in turn cries and stomps out of the room and into the loving arms of his daddy, Grimace. Maybe there's even some light assplay between the two, though I'm not sure where Grimace's butthole is and what that would entail. Either way, it'll be a hoot.

Let's take a look at some of the other comments that nail my point of view:

--"We love your fries, but we will not compromise truth. You have taken money that our family, and millions of others, have contributed to the success of the McDonald's Corp. and chosen to use it for an agenda that defies the foundation of our nation, the family, as created by a man and woman..."

--"It was bad enough having to keep my Spanish to English dictionary handy every time I pulled up to your drive-thru window (to the tune of about $1,000 per year). But this is the final straw (and I guess the final Big Mac) for me. Your blatant disregard for the strongly held moral values most Americans hold dear has cost you my business. Yes, Wendy's, I will have a Frosty with that."

--"It is sad that McDonald's is not FOR the nuclear family. Please put Ronald Mc Donald in the closet."

--"As long as McDonald's keeps supporting same sex marriage my family will NO longer be eating there. Please Do consider others Faith and our children. It is Very wrong to be supporting gays, it even says so in the Bible. I feel that you are so wrong about supporting gays, mabey you should pick up your Bible and READ it!!!"

--"I use to love McDonald's food but I cannot stomach your food now because of your decision to support the gay agender in this country. I will be diligent in getting this message out to everyone I know To boycot McDonald's PS I have found Hardees has much better food."

--"As long as McDonalds continues to promote homosexuality I will continue to support Wendy's. This is not something that a family friendly restraunt should ever think of doing." [ed. note: Wendy may or may not be a giant dyke. Stay tuned.]

--"This makes me sick! McDonals's has chosen to accommodate a small group of people who live by what is right in THEIR eyes, and they expect all of society to accept their definition of morality and tolerance. "Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools.""

--"I and my family will be buyers at burger king.. You need to change your gay position.."

Agreed! Although "change your gay position" sounds pretty gay to me.

So thanks, McDonald's -- now every time my kids yell "McDonalllllld's" but we don't pull in to the lot, I have to tell them that their favorite restaurant supports equal rights over traditional values and that they can't gorge themselves on Big Macs because two guys in Peoria are hoping to one day join the ranks of the rest of this Christian nation's unhappily married populace. Dicks.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dan Struggla: Killing Daddy's Dream

On a night that many baseball fans will remember as the best All-Star Game of their lifetimes, Florida Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla will rank this one somewhere on par with or below the curiously special evening that his mother walked on him in the midst of a particularly kinky auto-erotic asphyxiation session at age 14.

Uggla may rank second among all major-league second basemen with 23 homeruns and 59 runs batted in, but last night he looked like the anti-Danny Almonte: a boy among men. This was Uggla's second trip to the ASG, and I doubt this one will make his short list of personal favorites -- this performance that rates worse than his 2006 appearance, when he didn't even play.

Last night Uggla hit into an inning-ending double play in the 10th, made two straight errors in the bottom half of the inning and another in the 13th, and he also struck out three times and left a total of six men on base. Shit, I know a couple of Thai ladyboys who could have pulled that off. No, wait, I don't know any Thai ladyboys.

Dannyboy told the media this week that he was living his father's dream of playing in Yankee Stadium -- his father must have been living a nightmare last night. No word on whether Uggla's pops formally disowned his son last night, but there's a good chance that if Uggla had a gay brother that he'd be the family's favorite son today for once in his life. You have to feel for the gent, especially considering he's a stellar athlete and one of the game's best players. But I did some research and dug up some interesting facts about last night's goat:

Dan Uggla fucked Terri Schiavo while she was laid up in the hospital. Dan Uggla masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing. Dan Uggla licks Jon McCain's faux goiter for good luck before every game. Dan Uggla drove the lead car of paparazzi that chased Princess Diana down the highway in France. Dan Uggla produced I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.

Dan Uggla injected Bobby Murcer with brain cancer as part of a vast right-wing conspiracy. Dan Uggla's has a lower back tattoo that says Guantanamo Bay 4 Lyfe. Dan Uggla's idol is Big Ern McCracken. Dan Uggla leads the junta in Burma. Dan Uggla broke up Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. Dan Uggla also broke up The Phish. Dan Uggla thinks Barack Obama attended a madrassa. Dan Uggla pooped on Tawana Brawley's chest. And Dan Uggla hasn't yet chosen sides in Darfur.

Chin up, Danny. We can only hope your father has Alzheimer's...

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

And Now For Some Political Geekery

Big news from the nation's capital today: Hillary Clintonbot's unwaveringly moronic former chief strategist Mark Penn has hired former George W. Bush adviser Karen Hughes as a vice chairman at his PR firm, Burson-Marsteller. The pair will "combine forces to offer a one-stop crisis-communication and public-affairs shop” to corporate clients.

The mainstream media is mostly focusing on the bipartisan spirit of this coupling. Several reputable news outlets even ran verbiage from the press release, calling this a “Bipartisan Brain Trust.” Whoa. Hold the phone. Really, guy, pick up your phone and just hold it for effect. A brain trust? I simply see an Axis of Idiocy that may finally cripple the excess-driven wants of corporate America once and for all. Well, maybe I’m being too optimistic.

But I'm a little confused: Is this the same Mark Penn as the one who put Clinton’s dreadful campaign in a hole so large she couldn’t possibly dig out from it (or, more accurately in this case, in a box so large she couldn't munch her way out)? The same one who lobbied for a free-trade deal with Colombia while his candidate stumped loudly and often against it? The same one who blamed her loss on insufficient funds rather than his own disgustingly shortsighted strategies and decisions? And is this the same Karen Hughes who predictably failed to market President Bush’s awesome policies to the Muslim and Arab worlds? Yes, let’s hire these nincompoops!

I gotta say, the thought of Mark Penn and Karen Hughes dispensing crisis communication advice is almost as bewildering as if former FEMA director Michael Brown consulted for a disaster recovery company. Oh wait, he does! For the past two years, Brownie has worked for a private firm called Cotton Companies, where he does just what he failed to do when those dark people needed him most. But why work for someone else? I’d suggest he open his own shop called “Brownie’s Heck of a Job Disaster Recovery Consulting Company.” That shit would look great as a neon sign.

Where else but Washington DC can failed policy advisors thrive as trusted consultants? These clowns are all luckier than weathermen, Wall Street analysts and economic forecasters. This whole Penn/Hughes deal brings to mind all kinds of possibilities. What will we see next? I can just picture it now:
  • Elizabeth Taylor’s Marriage Counselor Services
  • David Duke’s Interracial Marriage Counselor Services
  • The Michael Vick Pet Care and Rehabilitation Center
  • J. Hazelwood’s Exxon Valdez Tanker Driving School
  • Angelo Mozilo’s Countrywide Subprime Mortgage Lender
  • Ryan Howard Always-Make-Contact Batting School
  • The OJ Simpson Real Killer Detective Agency
  • Isiah Thomas Leadership Training Program
  • Bea Arthur's Ye Olde Feminism Finishing School
  • The Mark Penn/Karen Hughes Crisis-Communication & Public-Affairs Shoppe (oh, right...)
Ahh, the possibilities are endless. Whatcha got, Slackers?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

She Ain't Got Nuthin' At All

Coherent thoughts are a rarity these days, and thus, it's why last Monday's George Carlin post still sits atop this here rag. I wrote half a screed about the Supreme Court's gun rights decision, but I soon realized it was about as funny as interspliced footage of the Bataan Death March and a day at Auschwitz playing behind a John McCain speech on free trade. So in lieu of any semblance of a lucid essay, here are some quick pre-holiday rumblings:

All the Baldwins are dead?
The media may have a little fun with the seemingly fake-but-reported-as-real proclamation that Stephen Baldwin will leave America if the populace elects Barack Obama (see video here). The youngest Baldwin's announcement in his four-minute interview with Laura Ingraham will most certainly make the headlines, but I'd instead like to focus on what will no doubt be buried by this abdication nonsense.

Ingraham actually asks this intellectual heavyweight and obvious policy wonk, "Why should we care what Sheryl Crow or Susan Sarandon or Tim Robbins or anyone of these people think about [America's problems]...why should we care what any of them think about any of these issues?"

Does this strumpet not realize she's asking that loaded question to a guy who may be best known for making a bong out of a snorkel, an ice pick and an avocado, a man who played second fiddle to Pauly Fucking Shore in Bio-Dome? Does this floozy understand she's querying a C-level celebrity himself why middle America shouldn't listen to celebrities? It gets not more meta than that, sports fans. I'd sooner heed the political advice of Halle Berry than the anti-Hollywood bullroar of a smug born-again Christian who looks like he's continuously sucking lemons and inhaling dog farts.

Welcome back, casual racism...
They say if you wish to tap your Innerjew, there's no better place than Israel. To stand at the noble sanctuary of the Temple Mount, one can only feel a level of Jewishness unseen in their mundane, secular everyday life. I'd like to make a motion to reconsider. I've found a new place to be reminded daily of my Jewish roots: the locker room of my New York Sports Club in downtown Brooklyn, a place teeming with stereotypically endowed gentlemen of color. If you look around, and then look down, oh yes, that's what it's like to be a Jew.

Imagine all the pills he can buy now...
When I think of Rush Limbaugh, I like to picture him swimming in a vault of OxyContin, like the Scrooge McDuck of little white pills. And that trove's got more treasure: breaking news today that Limbaugh just signed a $400 million deal to stay on the air through 2016.

Only in America can an opiate-addicted upper-class fearmonger claim to have his finger on the pulse of middle America -- well, at least he has the Oxy abuse in common with his many bigoted minions. I will say, though, the man is incredible at what he does, and I'm sure he'll earn every penny back and more for his employers. Rush, while acting the silly WWE-like entertainer, knows exactly what he's doing, and for that, well, I have a weird level of respect for him. I also love drug addicts (see: Garcia, Jerry; Anastasio, Trey)

Say a word for Jimmy Brown
Until The Phish From Vermont end the charade and get the band back together (09/09/09, folks), My Morning Jacket is the best touring band in the country, bar none. Three associates and I sat fourth row at this month's Radio City Music Hall show, and while half the new stuff has yet to grab me, the show was as good as you'll see from anyone these days. The last hour of that 160-minute monstrosity of a set rawked so hard that I surely walked out with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

A friend recently sent me the XM feed of their ludicrously ourageous Bonnaroo set, and it's truly one for the ages. Seriously, get on that shit. The standout for this music geek comes in the form of a cover, and more specifically a cover of one of the most underrated songs of all-time: the Velvet Underground's Oh! Sweet Nuthin'. So if you've got eight minutes to kill, spend some time with Jim James and those other nameless dudes from MMJ:

Oh Sweet Nuthin - My Morning Jacket

Happy Fourth of July, my friends. Just remember, when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes. School's. Out. For. Summer.